vankoss | Fading Emotions

Title:Fading Emotions
Author:

vankoss
Pairing: Dean/Castiel.
Word Count: 628
Timing: Circa 4.18
Warning: Nothing i can think about
Also appearing: Anna, Sam, Ruby
Rating: N-17.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, if i did, the only place that would run it would be Showtime.
Summary: Castiel's emotions burn away because of his grace, yet, some of them cling to his heart. It will continue, and it has a prelude, wich, due my inabily to write in english, will take a while.

Fading Emotions

“Love” With that truth in his heart, Castiel fell joy for the first time since... ever, actually. It was not the “joy” of contemplating Gods works or doing his biding, no, it was pure happiness. It felt so different, and good, like a warm river flooding his being, reaching every part of it, feeling the shores of his persona been caressed by beams of light. But the ecstasy of that truth faded quickly, like if there wasn’t something that sustained it, like if it just was a borrowed feeling. Concerned, and perhaps a bit afraid, Castiel forced his mind into recognize what was he lacking. A smidge of self-loathing tainted his thoughts.

“Angels, we can’t feel.... the entire spectrum of human emotion” He had been taught that feelings were just a human commodity, something that was given to them in order to endure their “short and meaningless lifespawns” as Uriel used to say. Yet, that living warmth that he felt, still lingered soft-spoken inside him.

Breathing deeply, another truth came to him, a far less rejoicing truth. His “feelings” were just getting on the way of the mission. It would be better if he dismissed such thoughts, thoughts about warm skin under his fingers, hidden smiles and soft spoken words. It should be better this way.

As he felt his fading emotions leaking from his heart, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling a fraction of what humans call sorrow. The things that he would never experience, the laughs he would never give, the human contact that he would never get were just ghost desires cast into his mind by him.

“Soon it will be over” he said to himself with the last remnants of sorrow in his mind. Human emotions were not his to have, compassion, protectiveness and duty were the real truths of an angel, human emotions just burned down by his grace like moths lusting for fire.

With the last remnants of love still clinging in his heart, he appeared in Dean’s room as Sam fled from it in a rush with his demonic companion, a crappy room just like the other hundreds he had seen, unnamed, unremembered. Casting his stare on the sleeping Dean, the dying ashes in his being ignited again. It was in the proximity of him, that his soul burnt with an unknown flame, a flame similar to God’s fire, but not otherworldly, far; no, this one felt so own. Staring at Dean, the angel could maintain his human emotions, like if the hunter was the fuel of such thoughts.

“If I stay with you, they won’t go away” It was true, only Dean triggered that lost part of him, the closeness of his body made him feel... happy and sometimes fearful, sometimes just human. Through ages of watching and aiding humans, were the emotions that Dean cast in him the only ones that his grace couldn’t burn. “Odd” said while approaching the elder Winchester’s bed. Reaching Dean’s hair with his hand, a faded smile crossed the face of the angel. “I don't’ want to forget this feeling”. Everything he knew told him that the warmth inside him will vanish with time. But, hidden from him, another truth existed; it didn’t matter how far or how many ages distanced them, the sleeping ashes of love would never wither inside the angel’s heart.

Thin rosy fingers touched Dean’s temple, sending him to the deeper fields of Morpheus. Castiel, shocked, rose his stare at the owner of those fingers, half cloaked by the darkness in the room. The newly present silhouette kneeled at Castiel’s side, her shoulders, bathed by moon-lighted red hair.

-Oh Castiel! You really don't know what you’re missing- Said the crimson haired angel while traveling her hand trough Dean’s chest.

TBC

Fading Emotions

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